Someone asked me about my rough go at relationships, so I will share this account only once. I warn you it gets graphic, violence and sexual content ahead.
I am not sharing this condensed account of my relationships as a cry for sympathy, in fact if you ask anyone that knows me, sympathy is the last thing I ask for. Take away from this instead
strength – to rebuild a second time, there is always tomorrow is a double-edged sword
courage- to be able to talk about your own trauma and let others draw strength from that
humanity – That no matter what happens we will always keep feeling
and whatever else you need. I am a warrior. I am a survivor. Here is the only time I will give a fullish account of the 4 relationships and why and how they were devastating.
The first one- he melted my heart with a kiss - he was a saxophone player, a dancer tall blond haired blue eyed, I was successful at 18 by being one of a handful of people chosen to start a day program called St. Jude's Academy of the arts( the program runs to this day but I doubt anyone would know my name I wasn't there long enough). He stole that dream because I wasn't strong enough to say no. No to his drug habit, no to him making me give him head for hours on end, no to when he wanted sex and I was so raw I was in pain, no to him spending my money (at 18 by the time we met I had saved up almost $1,200 this could have ment that one or two more pay cheques and I could move out on my own), no to him abusing his mother. He was a 17-year-old drug addict who treated weed like it was coke. He pushed my limits and broke them he held my body captive for only 8 months but my heart long after that with his hot and cold treatment. Eventually, I broke free of the relationship but it wouldn't be until years later. That was the night I made a steak and potato dinner for the two of us complete with wine, candles, music- the only thing missing was a table and chairs. That was also the night he called me a whore in my own house(I was renting but still at 20 it was mine while he still lived with his mother but was only a year and a half younger than I) and kicked me in my sternum. Once I managed to kick him out I left to get help and he broke in again when I wasn't home.
The second one wasn't too bad but I couldn't imagine myself settling down with a guy that wanted to be a carnie his whole life. I could not see that kind of life for a child, and even though he was understanding he was not for me. I Reconnected with him since then only to find out that I was right in leaving fearing for the stability of the life for me and a child (which we almost had) because 15 years later he was at near the end of his second relationship with the mother of his second child. Claiming they were both crazy and my favourite line is “they weren't you”
The third one was my first after a five year long hiatus from relationships. He did a number on me physically and mentally. When I met him I was out of college, with a diploma, had a car, my own place, had a job (not in my field – which to him made it not good enough, just one of the many things that weren't good enough in his eyes)life was awesome I felt beautiful, and then he somehow managed to take that strong woman and in a year and a half decimate everything I had worked the last 5 year to become. Until l was a former shell of what I once was. Instead of confident I was insecure, instead of a success I felt a failure (and was failing because I counted on his help too much) Where did all the right: He was a military reservist from a good home and a good family, he had manners, we were both intelligent and independent but somehow none of what I was, was good enough for him. It was good enough for his family. They adored me to the point that his mother still talks to me to this day. It wouldn't be until almost 7 years later that she would tell me her son was diagnosed as a sociopath. Somehow something in me snapped. EVERYHTING I thought about myself WAS WRONG!!!!!!!It seamed that instead of being the worst girlfriend he has ever had I was the best, and the one that stayed the longest, and the one that was most understanding, and to this day the only one that any one can talk about. But while we were together I was the one who suffered most. For years I had thought that I broke him! It wasn't me that broke him it was the other way around. Which is why for the 7 years I blamed myself for him almost killing me. Because it was my responsibility to break the violent streak in him that I brought out; even though he was the one that told me that it is his goal to get me to lose my temper! And when he accomplished just that he dumped me and told every one that I was the one he was afraid of. So when I promised him that I wouldn't raise a hand against him even in self-defence. Just to test that out he started an argument so big that when I tried to leave the threw me on the bed and put his hands around throat. Still I didn't fight him back. I just laid there looking into his eyes with fear, and tears streaming down my face trying to figure out why the man I love is on top of me and show no signs of stopping. I would have done that as long as I needed to to but I was running out of time because my vision started to close in on it's self it was sort of like someone was taking the shutter of my eyes and making the field of vision smaller very quickly. “Oh god! I have to fight back!! or!? I will die!!!” And the only way I fought back was by biting his wrist and then finding another place to stay for the night. After almost 10 years I am ready to show the world teh bruises he left on me that night.
Then I met the man who would show me how toxic that relationship was only to destroy me in his own right. The only person that can be even more damaging to a woman who has just been through that kind of a nightmare is a narcissist who shows up to rescue her like prince charming building her up and helping her put the pieces back together again reminding her of her worth and how strong she can be and how incredible things are and that relationships can be perfect. So perfect in fact that it is not the relationship that is damaging but the way it ends. Like the earth just opened up beneath your feet and you begin falling except every foot that you fall feels like you have broken through a thousand concrete ceilings at terminal velocity. Like suddenly finding that all the air around you has been sucked out of your lungs and now there is this giant gaping hole where your heart used to be. And the only thing you feel, is pain. You feel as if what was left of your self worth that you managed to put back together with this relationship was gone because the person that you gave your best to all of a sudden decided that your best wasn't good enough for him and the moment he chose to leave you in, was the most vulnerable moment of your life; when you just needed one thing to make it through because you were still putting yourself back together from the damage that he rescued you from. It was like taking what ever was left of the big pieces of the porcelain ballerina and offering to glue them back together even piecing a few things back only to take the entire thing and clumsily drop it on the floor to offer hope by sweeping the pieces up only to put them in a mortar and pastel so you can obliterate what ever semblance of structure was left. And from that I have managed to bring myself back after my 5th and last suicide attempt little over 7 years ago now. I have a car (funny my cars treat me better then my men, and stick around longer too- this one's been with me for 4 years) a house, a business, and I can say that I am a veteran who is working on getting off her pension instead of depending on it for the rest of her life. So if you ask me is it possible to come back from heart break. I tell you: Yes it is. If you ask me: Is it possible to love again? I will say: Yes it is. If you ask me what's my secret. I will tell you “Just keep breathing”
I am not sharing this condensed account of my relationships as a cry for sympathy, in fact if you ask anyone that knows me, sympathy is the last thing I ask for. Take away from this instead
strength – to rebuild a second time, there is always tomorrow is a double-edged sword
courage- to be able to talk about your own trauma and let others draw strength from that
humanity – That no matter what happens we will always keep feeling
and whatever else you need. I am a warrior. I am a survivor. Here is the only time I will give a fullish account of the 4 relationships and why and how they were devastating.
The first one- he melted my heart with a kiss - he was a saxophone player, a dancer tall blond haired blue eyed, I was successful at 18 by being one of a handful of people chosen to start a day program called St. Jude's Academy of the arts( the program runs to this day but I doubt anyone would know my name I wasn't there long enough). He stole that dream because I wasn't strong enough to say no. No to his drug habit, no to him making me give him head for hours on end, no to when he wanted sex and I was so raw I was in pain, no to him spending my money (at 18 by the time we met I had saved up almost $1,200 this could have ment that one or two more pay cheques and I could move out on my own), no to him abusing his mother. He was a 17-year-old drug addict who treated weed like it was coke. He pushed my limits and broke them he held my body captive for only 8 months but my heart long after that with his hot and cold treatment. Eventually, I broke free of the relationship but it wouldn't be until years later. That was the night I made a steak and potato dinner for the two of us complete with wine, candles, music- the only thing missing was a table and chairs. That was also the night he called me a whore in my own house(I was renting but still at 20 it was mine while he still lived with his mother but was only a year and a half younger than I) and kicked me in my sternum. Once I managed to kick him out I left to get help and he broke in again when I wasn't home.
The second one wasn't too bad but I couldn't imagine myself settling down with a guy that wanted to be a carnie his whole life. I could not see that kind of life for a child, and even though he was understanding he was not for me. I Reconnected with him since then only to find out that I was right in leaving fearing for the stability of the life for me and a child (which we almost had) because 15 years later he was at near the end of his second relationship with the mother of his second child. Claiming they were both crazy and my favourite line is “they weren't you”
The third one was my first after a five year long hiatus from relationships. He did a number on me physically and mentally. When I met him I was out of college, with a diploma, had a car, my own place, had a job (not in my field – which to him made it not good enough, just one of the many things that weren't good enough in his eyes)life was awesome I felt beautiful, and then he somehow managed to take that strong woman and in a year and a half decimate everything I had worked the last 5 year to become. Until l was a former shell of what I once was. Instead of confident I was insecure, instead of a success I felt a failure (and was failing because I counted on his help too much) Where did all the right: He was a military reservist from a good home and a good family, he had manners, we were both intelligent and independent but somehow none of what I was, was good enough for him. It was good enough for his family. They adored me to the point that his mother still talks to me to this day. It wouldn't be until almost 7 years later that she would tell me her son was diagnosed as a sociopath. Somehow something in me snapped. EVERYHTING I thought about myself WAS WRONG!!!!!!!It seamed that instead of being the worst girlfriend he has ever had I was the best, and the one that stayed the longest, and the one that was most understanding, and to this day the only one that any one can talk about. But while we were together I was the one who suffered most. For years I had thought that I broke him! It wasn't me that broke him it was the other way around. Which is why for the 7 years I blamed myself for him almost killing me. Because it was my responsibility to break the violent streak in him that I brought out; even though he was the one that told me that it is his goal to get me to lose my temper! And when he accomplished just that he dumped me and told every one that I was the one he was afraid of. So when I promised him that I wouldn't raise a hand against him even in self-defence. Just to test that out he started an argument so big that when I tried to leave the threw me on the bed and put his hands around throat. Still I didn't fight him back. I just laid there looking into his eyes with fear, and tears streaming down my face trying to figure out why the man I love is on top of me and show no signs of stopping. I would have done that as long as I needed to to but I was running out of time because my vision started to close in on it's self it was sort of like someone was taking the shutter of my eyes and making the field of vision smaller very quickly. “Oh god! I have to fight back!! or!? I will die!!!” And the only way I fought back was by biting his wrist and then finding another place to stay for the night. After almost 10 years I am ready to show the world teh bruises he left on me that night.
Then I met the man who would show me how toxic that relationship was only to destroy me in his own right. The only person that can be even more damaging to a woman who has just been through that kind of a nightmare is a narcissist who shows up to rescue her like prince charming building her up and helping her put the pieces back together again reminding her of her worth and how strong she can be and how incredible things are and that relationships can be perfect. So perfect in fact that it is not the relationship that is damaging but the way it ends. Like the earth just opened up beneath your feet and you begin falling except every foot that you fall feels like you have broken through a thousand concrete ceilings at terminal velocity. Like suddenly finding that all the air around you has been sucked out of your lungs and now there is this giant gaping hole where your heart used to be. And the only thing you feel, is pain. You feel as if what was left of your self worth that you managed to put back together with this relationship was gone because the person that you gave your best to all of a sudden decided that your best wasn't good enough for him and the moment he chose to leave you in, was the most vulnerable moment of your life; when you just needed one thing to make it through because you were still putting yourself back together from the damage that he rescued you from. It was like taking what ever was left of the big pieces of the porcelain ballerina and offering to glue them back together even piecing a few things back only to take the entire thing and clumsily drop it on the floor to offer hope by sweeping the pieces up only to put them in a mortar and pastel so you can obliterate what ever semblance of structure was left. And from that I have managed to bring myself back after my 5th and last suicide attempt little over 7 years ago now. I have a car (funny my cars treat me better then my men, and stick around longer too- this one's been with me for 4 years) a house, a business, and I can say that I am a veteran who is working on getting off her pension instead of depending on it for the rest of her life. So if you ask me is it possible to come back from heart break. I tell you: Yes it is. If you ask me: Is it possible to love again? I will say: Yes it is. If you ask me what's my secret. I will tell you “Just keep breathing”