It was the first time my parents and I had stepped foot in Canada. We were somewhere in Ontario, visiting people who I didn't care to remember, just some friends of friends from USA. It was a grand time for me because they had a pool and I liked to dip my feet in it. Then dusk came and things took a turn for the dark.
I'm not sure exactly how it came about that a drunk twenty something year old decided to teach me how to swim, but it did. All I can really remember is how this intoxicated young man decided that since I didn't know how to swim he was going to teach me. And he was going to teach me while he was drunk, another words right now. I can still feel the fear I felt that evening while he chased me around the pool. Around and around we went at least once and then I remember thinking to my 6 or 7 year old self "He's way bigger then me. He's going to catch up. I need to escape" Then I saw it my salvation the door to the house. I ran up the concrete patio past the lounge chairs to the open door. Which at that moment someone decided to not just shut but lock. They locked me out WITH the idiot. Instead of letting the terrified child in, and locking the idiot out. I griped the handle in fear. Shaking it. Crying. Knocking on the glass door but the person stood there. Instead of yelling at the punk for at the very least scaring me, they turned around and yelled at ME "Go, go it's ok, stop being afraid of the water you'll be fine" that and the laughter from the adults inside as they were having a grand old time talking and drinking is one of the more damaging memories. I remember thinking screaming in my head "I'm not afraid of the water! I'm afraid of the idiot trying to teach me how to swim!" I creamed for help. But no one came. All of this took a mere seconds but it felt like it had dragged on forever as he grabbed me off the door and tried to pull me off of it. Finally after prying my terror filled fingers of with his hands and ripping the last two fingers that were holding on to dear life from the door he had me under his arm. And he was running straight for the deep end of the pool. Splash, he jumps in. With no warning to hold my breath, no instructions on what to do, nothing but terror in my little mind and heart. I remember seeing the light from the pool underwater and the air bubbles as they were escaping my lungs and drifting on up while I sank down. For a moment I thought I could breath underwater when I saw them. Then nothing. All I remember after that is blackness. I can't remember who pulled me out or if I needed mouth to mouth or anything else really. The memory just kind of ends there like a broken piece of old black and white projector film that has been burned through. For years I was afraid of water and would not go in water where I couldn't touch bottom. If I could touch bottom I was safe. I can put my feet down and stand and I will be ok. Slowly after that I started to teach myself to float. First on my front with my head in the water. I would hold my breath and just see if I could float. The next step was to try and swim. So I would put my head in the water holding my breath and float for a second then I would try and lift my head out of the water so I could breathe and I would do a few very panicked doggy pedals and the water would get in my moth so I would put my feet down cough it out and try again. And try again. And again, and eventually I learned how to doggy paddle and then breast stroke and finally back stroke. I managed to teach myself how to swim after not just one of such instances but many.
I hope that this story will Show parents, the perspective of a child and how it had impacted them. That moment had a lasting impact on me not just in that moment when I experienced the terror but it impacted me for the rest of my life. You see that was one of the moments I realized that the people who we supposed to protect me, the people who were supposed to care for me. If we really bring it down to the lowest common denominator where was their animal instinct to protect their young? Was I their Young? Why was I not worth protecting? Why is no one helping? Why can't they see I am in danger!? Why am I in trouble for wanting to get out of danger? This started a whole cascade of beliefs of self worth, of self preservation, of self love or lack there of. You see one such instant isn't enough to traumatize a child but I can recall dozens of times where my parents either failed to protect me, sent me into danger or worse yet , they were the danger. I hope that this brings awareness to the parents of young children the thoughts and feelings that arise in their young minds which their brains can't explain. All I really understood at the time was fear and the overwhelming question WHY ISN'T ANY ONE HELPING?! It is only through reading hundreds of neuropsychology, psychology and human evolution articles that I realized what that memory means to me. What effects it had on me in my teen and adult years. I hope that this serves as a lesson to parents that what they don't do can have an even grate impact on the child than what they do.
What is the point of this story to the kids of such parents. That a person can get over there fears, a person can do what ever they put their mind to, and that a person does not need any one elses help to do it. If your parents are not the role models they should be once you experience life, you can chose who you want your role models to be. You can chose to be like them and continue on the the fear and terror and pass those feelings on to your children and so onto the next generation. Or. You can chose to stop. You can chose to be different you can chose to get out of the ghetto, or poverty, or abusive relationships, or drugs, or alcohol, or gambling. You can chose each and every day the person you want to be and if your parents didn't do some things right take the things that they taught you that were good and change the rest. you see the beautiful thing about being an adult and being able to reflect on our life is that we can chouse the person we become not just once, but over and over and over again.
I'm not sure exactly how it came about that a drunk twenty something year old decided to teach me how to swim, but it did. All I can really remember is how this intoxicated young man decided that since I didn't know how to swim he was going to teach me. And he was going to teach me while he was drunk, another words right now. I can still feel the fear I felt that evening while he chased me around the pool. Around and around we went at least once and then I remember thinking to my 6 or 7 year old self "He's way bigger then me. He's going to catch up. I need to escape" Then I saw it my salvation the door to the house. I ran up the concrete patio past the lounge chairs to the open door. Which at that moment someone decided to not just shut but lock. They locked me out WITH the idiot. Instead of letting the terrified child in, and locking the idiot out. I griped the handle in fear. Shaking it. Crying. Knocking on the glass door but the person stood there. Instead of yelling at the punk for at the very least scaring me, they turned around and yelled at ME "Go, go it's ok, stop being afraid of the water you'll be fine" that and the laughter from the adults inside as they were having a grand old time talking and drinking is one of the more damaging memories. I remember thinking screaming in my head "I'm not afraid of the water! I'm afraid of the idiot trying to teach me how to swim!" I creamed for help. But no one came. All of this took a mere seconds but it felt like it had dragged on forever as he grabbed me off the door and tried to pull me off of it. Finally after prying my terror filled fingers of with his hands and ripping the last two fingers that were holding on to dear life from the door he had me under his arm. And he was running straight for the deep end of the pool. Splash, he jumps in. With no warning to hold my breath, no instructions on what to do, nothing but terror in my little mind and heart. I remember seeing the light from the pool underwater and the air bubbles as they were escaping my lungs and drifting on up while I sank down. For a moment I thought I could breath underwater when I saw them. Then nothing. All I remember after that is blackness. I can't remember who pulled me out or if I needed mouth to mouth or anything else really. The memory just kind of ends there like a broken piece of old black and white projector film that has been burned through. For years I was afraid of water and would not go in water where I couldn't touch bottom. If I could touch bottom I was safe. I can put my feet down and stand and I will be ok. Slowly after that I started to teach myself to float. First on my front with my head in the water. I would hold my breath and just see if I could float. The next step was to try and swim. So I would put my head in the water holding my breath and float for a second then I would try and lift my head out of the water so I could breathe and I would do a few very panicked doggy pedals and the water would get in my moth so I would put my feet down cough it out and try again. And try again. And again, and eventually I learned how to doggy paddle and then breast stroke and finally back stroke. I managed to teach myself how to swim after not just one of such instances but many.
I hope that this story will Show parents, the perspective of a child and how it had impacted them. That moment had a lasting impact on me not just in that moment when I experienced the terror but it impacted me for the rest of my life. You see that was one of the moments I realized that the people who we supposed to protect me, the people who were supposed to care for me. If we really bring it down to the lowest common denominator where was their animal instinct to protect their young? Was I their Young? Why was I not worth protecting? Why is no one helping? Why can't they see I am in danger!? Why am I in trouble for wanting to get out of danger? This started a whole cascade of beliefs of self worth, of self preservation, of self love or lack there of. You see one such instant isn't enough to traumatize a child but I can recall dozens of times where my parents either failed to protect me, sent me into danger or worse yet , they were the danger. I hope that this brings awareness to the parents of young children the thoughts and feelings that arise in their young minds which their brains can't explain. All I really understood at the time was fear and the overwhelming question WHY ISN'T ANY ONE HELPING?! It is only through reading hundreds of neuropsychology, psychology and human evolution articles that I realized what that memory means to me. What effects it had on me in my teen and adult years. I hope that this serves as a lesson to parents that what they don't do can have an even grate impact on the child than what they do.
What is the point of this story to the kids of such parents. That a person can get over there fears, a person can do what ever they put their mind to, and that a person does not need any one elses help to do it. If your parents are not the role models they should be once you experience life, you can chose who you want your role models to be. You can chose to be like them and continue on the the fear and terror and pass those feelings on to your children and so onto the next generation. Or. You can chose to stop. You can chose to be different you can chose to get out of the ghetto, or poverty, or abusive relationships, or drugs, or alcohol, or gambling. You can chose each and every day the person you want to be and if your parents didn't do some things right take the things that they taught you that were good and change the rest. you see the beautiful thing about being an adult and being able to reflect on our life is that we can chouse the person we become not just once, but over and over and over again.